We went to Lo's nieces graduation party today. All the comfort food was there. It was very difficult not to go back to my old habits and fill my plate heaping with everything I loved. They had chicken molee', pulled pork, potatoes in salad and cheesy form, cakes, cupcakes, candies, puddings, tacos, meatballs and of course fruit and veggies. I filled 2/3 of my plate with fruits and veggies, took about an ounce of pork, 1 meatball, 1 spoon (tbl) of potato salad, 1 ounce of chicken and that was it. I kept noshing on the fruits and veggies even though I longed for the rest of it. Mexican food is my favorite food of all and I haven't yet found a way to create a low sodium/low fat version of my favorite foods. The chips and tortillas alone have tons of salt in them. I love Italian food next. Just think of the butter and salt in that!
I think Lo has given up even trying to pretend he is watching what he is eating. He had a bit of everything today and lots of taco chips. Even dessert. I am saddened and disheartened by the fact that I have tried everything I can to change his bad habits and nothing I do will save him from himself. Because of my frustration, I want to eat, eat, eat.
On the way home, I stopped to get some ice cream. I was pretty good; I got sherbet and an ice cream that had so many fresh strawberries in it, there was barely any ice cream. My daughter who has really been trying to cut down just got a small cup as did Lo. I ate it slowly and tried to relish each lick and bite. I shouldn't have gotten it. I'm not yet at the point where I can allow myself these kinds of foods.
Treating myself tripped off a response in my mind and I feel hungry tonight. I haven't felt hungry in a long time. So, I had some fruit filled wheat cereal and a little milk. Then, I watched a movie. It was , "It Could Happen to You" with Nick Cage and Bridget Fonda. A very sweet movie about two very nice people that enjoy helping others and fall in love. It made me feel as if I cannot connect with Lo like I used to. Each time I mention salt or sugar or fat in something he snaps my head off. I began to cry.
I took the dogs for a quick mile walk and thought that would help me. No. I ate three tortilla chips; plain but that didn't help. So now, as I type, I am eating a low sodium/low sugar granola mix by Archer Farms (it's yummy) and drinking a LaCroix flavored water that has no sodium and fat (thanks to Target for both). I have to accept that I will have moments like this where I feel helpless and will want to eat out of frustration. Tonight, I am allowing myself to do so. Tomorrow will begin my resolve to better myself.
I do know that if I don't continue to lose weight, stop the salt and the sugar, my legs will swell up again and make walking miserable. I like the empowerment of feeling good when I walk again. I need to keep remembering that.
I suppose that the thing that makes me the saddest is knowing that I will never be able to grow old with Lo like I wish to. I have to accept that he will never give up his chew, his salt, sugar and fat and that he will always have the mind frame that if he feels good that day, then all is right in his world and he can continue on as he always has. He is doing that right now and there is nothing I can do to help him. I want to turn this into a contest of his love for me and his love for those vices but I will only psychologically destroy myself if I do. He is not doing this because he wants to spite me. He is weak in spirit and mind. It takes a lot of resolve to stick to something that is difficult; even if we don't want to. I should understand that because it has taken me so many years to get to this place myself. It's just that my immediate life isn't in danger. I try really hard not to give him dirty looks when I see him throw the chew away or put food that I know will end up killing him in his mouth. I feel very helpless about the whole thing.
Just pray for me as I pray to God myself for the strength to keep myself grounded and focused and the ability to cast aside my fears and embrace whatever time I have with Lo before his heart stops working one day. It could be 5 years or 25; I don't know. I just hope it's longer than shorter.
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