Yuck.

I guess that I've hit my slump.  I knew it would happen; just didn't think it would happen so quickly.  I gained a pound today...so, it's a 10 pound weight loss.  My new resolve the other day didn't happen.  I have been so caught up in helping Lo and then becoming frustrated over the fact that he won't try to make the changes that the doctor has mandated that I once again have lost myself in the process.

It was easy for me to eat literally nothing when I naively thought he was trying.  I dropped the pounds rather quickly.  Then, stories of bologna sandwiches and eating at his mom's started to come home.  The story of using just one chew pack a day was squelched when I found one sitting on his table next to the bed and then smelled one in his mouth.  I see him bringing home liter sized pops and he claims that it's his one pop of the day.  He hasn't made changes.  I'm so very disappointed.

Yesterday, when I told him that I had gained a pound he gasped and said, "We're in the is together babe".  I looked at him with sadness in my eyes and that sadness turned to anger.  "We aren't in anything together", I screamed back and tears began to fall from my eyes.  "How can we be in anything together when you haven't made any attempt to make the changes that will save your life?", I cried.   He walked into the other room and stayed there.

I guess my biggest problem is struggling with the fact that I feel such anger at Lo right now.  My concern and disappointment are consuming me.  I would like to think that he would place the importance of "us" before his love for these vices, to ensure that we could have a long life together.  I am grappling with the fact that I have to accept that his life will be short lived.  My dream of growing old with this man won't happen.  He can't hold onto the dream we once shared tight enough and it has flown from his grasp.  He would rather die with a full stomach and a burning sensation in his mouth than sacrifice his immediate pleasures so that he can spend some time on this Earth longer with me.

I'm sad.  Enraged.  Disappointed.  Depressed.  Willing to sabotage my own health and happiness because he has given up.  I really need something to encourage me right now.  I am still cooking healthy foods.  In fact, most of my time is spent in the kitchen these days.  It's starting to feel like a chore lately.  I guess because I don't feel the support that I used to have.

Lo and I aren't talking much either.  We aren't fighting, not that.  We just know that if we begin to talk about something that it will end up on my nagging him about his lack of gumption.  Neither of us want that to begin again.  It seems I just can't help myself sometimes.  Why can't I just let him make his own choices without taking them so personally?  Am I that much of a control freak?